Disappointment

Quote: "My biggest fear is to make people who look up to me feel disappointed, and vice versa." - AC

I knew it. Everyone should have responded in the same way. "Why did you not go to work again?" The best part then comes, "Can you be more committed to your work?" The disappointment and frustration is so apparent that I wished I lied. But I can never lie, I am never good a telling lies.

Imagine if that comes from my mum. That would be so damn bad. Parents always look up to their children, they put their hope in them. They provide them with the best education they can afford, helping them to sort out their academic and career future when they are lost. And when it is really necessary, give them financial support when they cannot stand on their own. Some even go to great lengths to borrow money just to make their children's life be more comfortable.

This is what people call "spoiling the children". I have to admit that I am in some way spoilt. 'Hardship' never existed in my vocabulary. My boat of life always seem to be smooth sailing. Even when it meets strong waves, it always seem to be able to miraculously escape largely unharmed. Perhaps I took life too easily and always take things for granted.

Someone commented that I am childish. I have to admit that. Not only am I childish, I am naive and act on impulse too. Because of my childishness, I have broken the hopes and hearts of many people. And I can foresee many broken hopes and hearts to come.

I used to be a person that lots of junior look up to. I used to be the standard that people seek to beat. I used to be something 'great'. Yeah right. Perhaps it is time I have to be humble and admit that I am not so 'great' after all. I have lost the sharpness in dealing with things, I have lost the ability to be on top of the game. I have lost my confidence and my self-esteem. I have lost it.

Something went wrong somewhere. I lost interest in competition. I used to like to compete and become the best in whatever I am involved in. I like to win. I MUST WIN. Once I tasted defeat, I lost interest in things. And never got back on track after that. Call me a SORE LOSER. I sure am one. My competitive self is crying for help, I need to get back on track and begin to win again. I have to regain that winning feeling.

I am all talk and no action. I know what to do but the doing part is never put into action. I am completely hopeless, besides being useless. I just wish that someone would come up to me and say that my existence is of some use to them and raised their hope. What is wrong with me?

Complaints, complaints and complaints. I am getting better at this time after time. If one knows me well enough, they will soon realise I am always complaining about the same thing, yet not making any effort to improve the situation. I am stuck in the loop. I knew I am in the loop, cursing the loop, yet I do not realise that I just need to step out of the loop and the picture will be clearer. Perhaps I am a blind mice after all.

One word best sums these all up, read the title.