Quote: "My biggest fear is to make people who look up to me feel disappointed, and vice versa." - AC
I knew it. Everyone should have responded in the same way. "Why did you not go to work again?" The best part then comes, "Can you be more committed to your work?" The disappointment and frustration is so apparent that I wished I lied. But I can never lie, I am never good a telling lies.
Imagine if that comes from my mum. That would be so damn bad. Parents always look up to their children, they put their hope in them. They provide them with the best education they can afford, helping them to sort out their academic and career future when they are lost. And when it is really necessary, give them financial support when they cannot stand on their own. Some even go to great lengths to borrow money just to make their children's life be more comfortable.
This is what people call "spoiling the children". I have to admit that I am in some way spoilt. 'Hardship' never existed in my vocabulary. My boat of life always seem to be smooth sailing. Even when it meets strong waves, it always seem to be able to miraculously escape largely unharmed. Perhaps I took life too easily and always take things for granted.
Someone commented that I am childish. I have to admit that. Not only am I childish, I am naive and act on impulse too. Because of my childishness, I have broken the hopes and hearts of many people. And I can foresee many broken hopes and hearts to come.
I used to be a person that lots of junior look up to. I used to be the standard that people seek to beat. I used to be something 'great'. Yeah right. Perhaps it is time I have to be humble and admit that I am not so 'great' after all. I have lost the sharpness in dealing with things, I have lost the ability to be on top of the game. I have lost my confidence and my self-esteem. I have lost it.
Something went wrong somewhere. I lost interest in competition. I used to like to compete and become the best in whatever I am involved in. I like to win. I MUST WIN. Once I tasted defeat, I lost interest in things. And never got back on track after that. Call me a SORE LOSER. I sure am one. My competitive self is crying for help, I need to get back on track and begin to win again. I have to regain that winning feeling.
I am all talk and no action. I know what to do but the doing part is never put into action. I am completely hopeless, besides being useless. I just wish that someone would come up to me and say that my existence is of some use to them and raised their hope. What is wrong with me?
Complaints, complaints and complaints. I am getting better at this time after time. If one knows me well enough, they will soon realise I am always complaining about the same thing, yet not making any effort to improve the situation. I am stuck in the loop. I knew I am in the loop, cursing the loop, yet I do not realise that I just need to step out of the loop and the picture will be clearer. Perhaps I am a blind mice after all.
One word best sums these all up, read the title.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
MLTR - 25 Minutes Lyrics
After some time I’ve finally made up my mind
She is the girl and I really want to make her mine
I’m searching everywhere to find her again
To tell her I love her
And I’m sorry ’bout the things I’ve done
I find her standing in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn’t search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
But she’s crying while she’s saying this
Chorus:
Boy I missed your kisses all the time but this is
Twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy I’m sorry you are
Twenty five minutes too late
Against the wind I’m going home again
Wishing be back to the time when we were more than
Friends
Still I see her in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn’t search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
But she’s cried while she’s saying this
Chorus
Out in the streets
Places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat
Inside my head
Still I can hear the words she said
I can still hear what she said
Too lazy to blog today, so just simply putting this up =)
She is the girl and I really want to make her mine
I’m searching everywhere to find her again
To tell her I love her
And I’m sorry ’bout the things I’ve done
I find her standing in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn’t search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
But she’s crying while she’s saying this
Chorus:
Boy I missed your kisses all the time but this is
Twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy I’m sorry you are
Twenty five minutes too late
Against the wind I’m going home again
Wishing be back to the time when we were more than
Friends
Still I see her in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn’t search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
But she’s cried while she’s saying this
Chorus
Out in the streets
Places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat
Inside my head
Still I can hear the words she said
I can still hear what she said
Too lazy to blog today, so just simply putting this up =)
Monday, November 21, 2005
Love What You Choose
She thought that was the end.
She has chosen to return to her boyfriend, who has been waiting so faithfully for her. She has forgotten and has forgiven all his misbehaviour towards her. All she knows is that he loves her so much that she will never be able to find another one like him.
She tried to move on yet the feeling is still lingering.
Her life began to change when this guy popped up from nowhere. He did not sweep her off her feet, he just simply became her friend and things developed from there. He used to listen to all her complaints about her boyfriend, always trying to justify and clarify for the actions of the boyfriend. She appreciated him a lot as a friend, and as a soulmate. He never thought he would fall for her, neither did she. Until the day the boyfriend mistreated her badly. She tried to ask for his help but he never answered. Blame it to bad timing.
Nothing happened from there. All he did was to be the supportive pillar for her to recover from the wounds she has mentally sufferred. No one knows how it happened, but he unknowingly fell for her. Perhaps he knew her well enough to tell that she was the person he wanted to be with. She was attracted by him too. Yet her boyfriend would not let go.
He knew he could not commit to her, he had a girlfriend. He tried to cool things off by pushing his girlfriend to stay close to him, eventually he failed. He finally decided to leave his girlfriend. The same day came the news that she will give her boyfriend another chance. Blame that to bad timing.
Things did not end there.
When he thought hope was all but over, he started to see other girls. He tried to move away from her. Yet he never knew she was waiting for him, hoping that he would put in some effort to show that he wanted to be with her. But all she had was disappointment. She never told him that she was waiting until she decided not to wait anymore.
She decided to go back to her boyfriend, and so she did.
She has made a choice, and she has to live with it.
Love what you choose dear.
She has chosen to return to her boyfriend, who has been waiting so faithfully for her. She has forgotten and has forgiven all his misbehaviour towards her. All she knows is that he loves her so much that she will never be able to find another one like him.
She tried to move on yet the feeling is still lingering.
Her life began to change when this guy popped up from nowhere. He did not sweep her off her feet, he just simply became her friend and things developed from there. He used to listen to all her complaints about her boyfriend, always trying to justify and clarify for the actions of the boyfriend. She appreciated him a lot as a friend, and as a soulmate. He never thought he would fall for her, neither did she. Until the day the boyfriend mistreated her badly. She tried to ask for his help but he never answered. Blame it to bad timing.
Nothing happened from there. All he did was to be the supportive pillar for her to recover from the wounds she has mentally sufferred. No one knows how it happened, but he unknowingly fell for her. Perhaps he knew her well enough to tell that she was the person he wanted to be with. She was attracted by him too. Yet her boyfriend would not let go.
He knew he could not commit to her, he had a girlfriend. He tried to cool things off by pushing his girlfriend to stay close to him, eventually he failed. He finally decided to leave his girlfriend. The same day came the news that she will give her boyfriend another chance. Blame that to bad timing.
Things did not end there.
When he thought hope was all but over, he started to see other girls. He tried to move away from her. Yet he never knew she was waiting for him, hoping that he would put in some effort to show that he wanted to be with her. But all she had was disappointment. She never told him that she was waiting until she decided not to wait anymore.
She decided to go back to her boyfriend, and so she did.
She has made a choice, and she has to live with it.
Love what you choose dear.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Blogthings Quizzes
| Your Heart Is Blue |
 Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty |
| You're a Shy Kisser |
 You *do* love to kiss, once your comfortable with it And that means knowing the person you're kissing pretty well You usually don't make the first move when it comes to making out But you've got plenty of intensity in return |
| Your Seduction Style: Au Natural |
 You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you. |
| Your Brain's Pattern |
 Your mind is an incubator for good ideas, it just takes a while for them to develop. But when you think of something, watch out! Your thoughts tend to be huge, and they come on quickly - like an explosion. You tend to be quiet around others, unless you're inspired by your next big idea. |
| Slow and Steady |
 Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it. |
| You Are Not Scary |
 Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet? |
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I Had A Dream
I overslept and was late for work because of this dream I had. I did not want to wake up. I was unwilling to return to reality not because this dream was so good, but it was a bad dream that I hoped something good would turn up in the end, and it did not come. While I blog this entry, I am still looking for the positives from this dream I had. It all started like this.
I found myself in a singing competition, with the number 5 pinning on my shirt. I love singing and I have always believed that I can sing well. I never have doubt in my ability to sing.
There I was, standing in line with all the other contestants, waiting for our turn to show the audience and judges our best vocal we can squeeze out of ourselves. Only then I realized that everyone has prepared a song and I had no idea what I was going to sing. I began to feel uneasy. I started to look for songs that I could borrow from other contestants, but to no avail. Before long, everyone in the line was looking at me, and the round badge bearing the number 5 buttoned on my suit caught their eyes. It was my turn.
I went on stage, and trying to act cool, asked the band to play their favourite Jacky Cheung song. I have always loved his songs, and I was so confident that I knew all of his songs. The song they chose, I knew the tune, but not the lyrics. I was lucky enough to manage to get hold of the lyrics before the music began.
I started to sing but the words that came out of my mouth were not right, and I was out of sync with the music. I tried so hard to synchronize myself and when I did I went out of tune. After a couple of verses, I finally managed to get into the song but this was when my throat started to feel funny. My throat just refused to make any voice, and it felt so dry that I could barely vibrate my vocal cords. I had to admit defeat for I could not further make a fool out of myself. Gracefully, I muttered the word “Thank You” into the microphone and bowed out.
I put up a strong smiling face when leaving the stage, trying my utmost best to cover all my disappointments and sadness. I wished for a dramatic turnaround in events, but it never happened.
Not even in my dreams.
Now it makes me wonder, was it just a nightmare or was it a premonition?
Only my dream-maker knows.
I found myself in a singing competition, with the number 5 pinning on my shirt. I love singing and I have always believed that I can sing well. I never have doubt in my ability to sing.
There I was, standing in line with all the other contestants, waiting for our turn to show the audience and judges our best vocal we can squeeze out of ourselves. Only then I realized that everyone has prepared a song and I had no idea what I was going to sing. I began to feel uneasy. I started to look for songs that I could borrow from other contestants, but to no avail. Before long, everyone in the line was looking at me, and the round badge bearing the number 5 buttoned on my suit caught their eyes. It was my turn.
I went on stage, and trying to act cool, asked the band to play their favourite Jacky Cheung song. I have always loved his songs, and I was so confident that I knew all of his songs. The song they chose, I knew the tune, but not the lyrics. I was lucky enough to manage to get hold of the lyrics before the music began.
I started to sing but the words that came out of my mouth were not right, and I was out of sync with the music. I tried so hard to synchronize myself and when I did I went out of tune. After a couple of verses, I finally managed to get into the song but this was when my throat started to feel funny. My throat just refused to make any voice, and it felt so dry that I could barely vibrate my vocal cords. I had to admit defeat for I could not further make a fool out of myself. Gracefully, I muttered the word “Thank You” into the microphone and bowed out.
I put up a strong smiling face when leaving the stage, trying my utmost best to cover all my disappointments and sadness. I wished for a dramatic turnaround in events, but it never happened.
Not even in my dreams.
Now it makes me wonder, was it just a nightmare or was it a premonition?
Only my dream-maker knows.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Yesternight, I wept while I slept
When night falls
I can see my shadow on the wall
Which seems so tall
Yet it is just an illusion that people call
The room is so dark
So quiet that I can hear the distant dogs bark
I have never believed in luck
But I need some to make my mark
I thought I was able to have a sweet dream
Yet my rolling tears turned into a stream
I could not help it but to let out a silent scream
And I know it takes two to make a team
Why am I sufferring from this helplessness
Because of my selfishness
Because of my carelessness
And because of my undecidedness
I can see my shadow on the wall
Which seems so tall
Yet it is just an illusion that people call
The room is so dark
So quiet that I can hear the distant dogs bark
I have never believed in luck
But I need some to make my mark
I thought I was able to have a sweet dream
Yet my rolling tears turned into a stream
I could not help it but to let out a silent scream
And I know it takes two to make a team
Why am I sufferring from this helplessness
Because of my selfishness
Because of my carelessness
And because of my undecidedness
Interesting 'Hidden' Talent
| Your Hidden Talent |
 You have the power to persuade and influence others. You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around. The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it. Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think! |
Thursday, November 10, 2005
It's been a while
My last entry was almost a month ago. And it was an unfinished entry. No plans to finish it yet (or ever?) as the memory has been less vivid as the days passed by.
A lot of things have happened over the past month. Several trips to KT to setup the language lab and also provide training was enough to keep me away from contributing to the blog.
Last week was supposed to be a celebrative period for Indians and Muslims as it was their 'new year' celebration, both Deepavali and Hari Raya. To me, it was a mournful week. My grandpa has passed away at 1:30am on 1st November. The only positive thing to take out of his passing is him being released from the sufferring he had to bear over the past few months.
This is my third entry mourning people's entry to afterlife. This time I have been involved in the whole process. I will never forget that the last few days of his life, the family was beside him, watching his breathing getting weaker and weaker, and eventually stopped. It is still quite painful for me to write anything that happened between the time he has just passed away until he was cremated. This experience will forever be kept in my memory. Sorry for not being able to share with you all. I hope you will understand.
At least something good seems to have happened over the period. But then the situation is still on a very rocky situation. My stupid emotions and physical condition do not seem to help at all. Hope it all turns well. Till I have the chance to pop that question.
A lot of things have happened over the past month. Several trips to KT to setup the language lab and also provide training was enough to keep me away from contributing to the blog.
Last week was supposed to be a celebrative period for Indians and Muslims as it was their 'new year' celebration, both Deepavali and Hari Raya. To me, it was a mournful week. My grandpa has passed away at 1:30am on 1st November. The only positive thing to take out of his passing is him being released from the sufferring he had to bear over the past few months.
This is my third entry mourning people's entry to afterlife. This time I have been involved in the whole process. I will never forget that the last few days of his life, the family was beside him, watching his breathing getting weaker and weaker, and eventually stopped. It is still quite painful for me to write anything that happened between the time he has just passed away until he was cremated. This experience will forever be kept in my memory. Sorry for not being able to share with you all. I hope you will understand.
At least something good seems to have happened over the period. But then the situation is still on a very rocky situation. My stupid emotions and physical condition do not seem to help at all. Hope it all turns well. Till I have the chance to pop that question.
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