Passion Reignited

Went to watch Endgame on Thursday. It was a good play, although it was a little on the dark side, but I still find it entertaining. Was utterly impressed by the lead actor, he alone performed the one play act to perfection. Of course, I have to give credit to the supporting actors as well, they did a good job. It was their second night and according to the director, it was a better performance than the opening night.

Before dwelling further into the play, I would like to say that I am very disappointed by the crowd who came to the play. The director thought that a Beckett play was a little hard to sell, but it was almost full house on Thursday. And being truly Malaysians, half of them turned out fashionably late, and made a grand entrance when Hamm was in the middle of a long verse. I was trying so hard to concentrate and stay with Hamm because the voice projection was not ideal and the strong accent they put on meant that extra attention needed to fully absorb what he was saying, not to say comprehend.

There are also immature theatre-goer who laughed at the wrong time, at the wrong thing, when it was not supposed to be funny. And almost towards the end of the play, some of them started to look at their mobile phone for the time (don't they have a watch?), some of them began to text message, doing such distracting things when it was supposed to be the climax of the play. For Beckett's sake, if you want to come to his play, sit through the whole act and pay attention to it! Can you people not stay put for just 80 minutes? And pay full attention to Endgame? Ugh, wonder if attending Beckett was just a homework assigned by their lecturers, because they all look like students to me.

Enough of that, it's story time, where was I?

The title of this entry is Passion Reignited. What passion? Why reignited? My passion for acting; reignited because I went for this play, and the lead actor's performance have brought my passion back. I want to be like him. I want to be an actor who can be the pillar of the play, who can be so impressive that some actor wannabe respect and look up to. But I need to get started. By turning up in auditions, any sort of auditions, and turn in a good performance. Hopefully I will be given a chance, hone my acting skills and shine.

Give me strength, give me support, give me my pain-killer!

Am I a writer or a blogger?

This thought struck me when I was reading some blogs where the authors have already acheived a certain level of popularity and/or net-social-status.

I am referring to Kenny Sia and Wendy Cheng (aka Xia Xue). Also, I am also the blog reader of Paul Tan (for motoring news, mainly Malaysian based), as well as Sepet and Gubra director Yasmin Ahmad.

Now back to the question. Writer or blogger? I think I fall into neither category. To be a writer, I have to be able to write things with substance that fall within the given scope. To be a blogger, I have to be able to update my entries regularly so that the readers will keep coming back for more. I fail to do so in both.

People like to write, they like to express themselves. In the old days, our thoughts are written down in a book people call 'Diary'. We keep the thoughts to ourselves and would read our diaries over and over again when we grow up. Our darkest secrets or skeletons in the closet can be found in diaries. We were thought not to be outspoken and conform to the standards of the society. I.e. keeping mum on things, even though we are the one sufferring.

When I look at popular blogs of today, they are rebellious and they maximise their freedom of speech rights. And the readers love it. They like to see people being able to voice out things that they themselves dare not speak about. They like to see that their personal views are shared by famous bloggers. Some even try to fit themselves in the mould of the bloggers. All in all, bloggers now are providing the normal people like us a new bunch of role models. Very much like the sports players, actors, singers etc. Like the stars, bloggers have their own set of fans, and thus turning themselves into celebrity.

I am pretty sure no blogger started blogging because they wanted to become a celebrity. They just wanted to share their view and thoughts with people who are bothered to read their entry. The readers of the blog will most likely be their friends. But once the group of readers expand into a bigger base, then they will have to be cautious. Some may argue that bloggers should not be responsible for their readers' action that might have been triggerred by reading their entries, but on moral grounds, bloggers have to be extra cautious of what they say. You can never underestimate the influence a blogger has on his/her reader.

As I never plan before I write, and my style is so free-flowing that any thoughts that come to me will be typewritten immediately, I do not think I am a writer nor a blogger. I am just someone who wants to say things out to the air and hope someone feeds back.

Enough of my boring stuffs, for now. Till next time. =p

First Love

最後のキスはタバコの flavor がした，ニガくてせつない香り。
Our last kiss tasted like tobacco, a bitter and sad smell.

I can vaguely remember the last kiss we had, and I have no idea back then that it will be our last kiss. Things happened so fast that it seems like it was just yesterday. A lot of sweet and precious memories flashed through my eyes, snapshots from the day I first set eyes on you, to the very last day I saw you off at the airport. That day, we did not even hug or kiss, just looking into each other eyes, not knowing that a few months later we are no longer together.

明日の今頃には，あなたはどこにいるんだろう，誰を想ってるんだろう？
This time tomorrow, where will you be? Who will you be thinking of?

Distance has always been a problem. Even though you had faith in me, I did not. Most of the time, I would like to know your whereabouts, who you are going out with, what are you doing, etc. Sometimes it made me look like a control freak, when actually I was the one feeling insecure that I might lose you to someone else. I have never expected to repay your faith to me by calling our relationship off abruptly. Especially when you have shown further commitment of coming over and live a life that you were not very keen of. Especially when you have already told everyone of your decision and had everything arranged. I have made a grave mistake.

You are always gonna be my love，いつか誰かとまた恋に落ちても。
You are always gonna be my love, even if I fall in love with someone once again.
I'll remember to love, you taught me how.
I'll remember to love, you taught me how.

Over all these years, we have experienced a lot of things, we had our ups and downs. Inevitably our relationship was not able to carry on with the burden I have irresponsibly piled on. I will always remember what you taught me about loving someone, and practice it to perfection as my only way to compensate the hurt that I have caused to your heart. I will treat my next lover the way I should have treated you, to unconditionally love her.

You are always gonna be the one，今はまだ悲しい love song，
You are always gonna be the one, it's still a sad love song,
新しい歌，歌えるまで。
until I can sing a new song.

Even though we had a sad ending, I hope that both our new love song will be a happy one. I sincerely wish that you will find your true happiness and live happily ever after. Heaven knows, right?

立ち止まる時間が，動き出そうとしてる，忘れたくないことばかり。
The paused time, is about to start moving, there are many things that I do not want to forget.

People said that time can fade away feelings, thoughts and emotions. Yet there are a lot of things I do not want to forget, even when the flowing river of time is slowly washing away all those memories. And memories is the only thing I get to keep after our relationship has expired.

明日の今頃には，わたしはきっと泣いてる，あなたを想ってるんだろう。
This time tomorrow, I will probably be crying, I will probably be thinking of you.

I have no intention to let you know how sad I was for doing something stupid. Crying is just a way of releasing my emotions, or a way to make me feel better after making such a dire mistake. I have no one to blame, but myself. Thinking of you reminds me of the mistakes I have made, so that I will not repeat the same mistakes again.

You will always be inside my heart， いつもあなただけの場所があるから，
You will always be inside my heart, you will always have your own place,
I hope that I have a place in your heart too, now and forever you are still the one.
I hope that I have a place in your heart too, now and forever you are still the one.
今はまだ悲しい love song，新しい歌，歌えるまで。
It's still a sad love song, until I can sing a new song.

Regardless of what have happened, you will always have a special place in my heart, and I shall bring that to my grave. I dare not ask for a place in your heart, but I do hope that you will not forget me. Even if I have learnt a new song, I would still remember this old one by heart. Now and forever.

You are always gonna be my love，いつか誰かとまた恋に落ちても，
You are always gonna be my love, even if I fall in love with someone once again,
I'll remember to love, you taught me how,
I'll remember to love, you taught me how,
You are always gonna be the one，まだ悲しい love song，
You are always gonna be the one, the sad love song,
Now and forever...
Now and forever...

To many, or even yourself, would think that this was not my first love. But I know it myself, it was my first true love.

Loving You - Minnie Ripperton

Loving you

Is easy because you're beautiful....

Making love with you

Is all I want to do....

Loving you

Is more than just a dream come true....

And everything that I do

Is out of loving you....

No one else can make me feel

The colors that you bring....

Stay with me while we grow old....

And we will live each day in spring time....

Because loving you....

Has made my life so beautiful....

And every day of my life

Is filled with loving you....

Loving you....

I see your soul come shining through....

And everytime that we....

Oh I'm more in love with you....

Heaven Knows - Rick Price

She's always on my mind

From the time I wake up

Till I close my eyes

She's everywhere I go

She's all I know

And though she's so far away

It just keeps getting stronger everyday

And even now she's gone

I'm still holdin' on

So tell me where do I start

'Cause it's breakin my heart

Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday

Only heaven knows

And maybe our hearts will find a way

Only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray

'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me

That if you really love her

You've gotta set her free

And if she returns in time

I'll know she's mine

So tell me where do I start

'Cause it's breaking my heart

Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday

Only heaven knows

And maybe our hearts will find a way

Only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray

'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair

'Cause wide awake or dreaming

I know she's never there

And all the time I act so brave

I'm shakin' inside

Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back someday

Only heaven knows

And maybe our hearts will find a way

Only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray

'Cause heaven knows

Heaven knows

Heaven knows

The supposedly 'Best All-time Breakup Songs and Breakup Song Lyrics'...

Cupid Certified Heartbreaker

It has been a long time since I last posted an entry, and I think it will be a longer time that I will post my next entry.

I began to realise that I am a heartbreaker. I never intend to do any harm to anyone, it is just my naivety and inability to handle things the right way that resulted in an irrecoverable wound on people's heart. Trust me, my wound is as deep as yours, if not deeper. I have always tried hard to be kind and not to hurt people, but the harder I try, the deeper the wound will become.

Those who loved me, who used to be with me, or those who had feelings for me, are all my victims. To those that loved me, I never repay them with the same amount of love. To those that were with me, I never repay them with the same amount of loyalty. To those that had feelings for me, I never repay them with the same amount of kindness they showed me.

I never had bad intention to deceive anyone, nor I deceive anyone with the purpose of getting them. I told lies because I did not know how to tell the truth. Either way, it is heartbreaking to be on the receiving end of the lies. Enough said, a liar will always be a liar, regardless of what justification is being made for committing the sin.

One thing that I would never lie about, is that I have put my true emotion and feelings into each and every relationship I was involved. I would never fake my emotion or feelings. Never.

I have broken the hearts of many people, and I guess it is my time to pay back to you all. May my heart shatter into pieces that even cupid will never be able to piece them back together.

I used to have a plan of when to get married and when to have kids and a happy family etc. I guess that plan has turned into a dream now. I would not able to acheive that, not this life. Therefore, this will be the last time I am going to mention about it. Perhaps I am better off being a lone-ranger, just like what my dad told me.

Before signing off this entry, I would like to thank a few people who are involved in my life, so far. Thanks J, for spending the best moments of my life with me. Thanks K, for your constant support and caring. Thanks L, for opening my eyes to the reality of love and choices. I love you all.

ps. No, this is not a suicidal note, I will be back.